Audubann’s Weblog

This is something that I wrote to my self two and a half years ago.  I did not have any way to save it and I did not want to simply print it out only to have it become lost.  Often times, I wonder if there are others who are going through what I did and feeling all alone.  Feeling as if no one really understands what they are going through and will never assist them in clearing the way.

When I wrote this, I was broke, homeless and saw no way for me to make it back into college.  I was angry and hurt at not having a family to help me.  I was also angry over my encounters with many people who just did not understand what it could possibly be like to only have yourself to depend upon.  No friends.  No family.  No agencies.  Just yourself.

Thank goodness I learned how to type and how to use emails.  I sent this document to myself and with everything that was going on, I forgot about it.  Now, two years later, I smile and am so damn proud of my self.  Not only did I achieve many of my goals, but I had the tenacity to write about my thoughts and feelings.  I articulated what I needed to.  Here on WordPress.com, I see that many others are doing the same.  I am not alone.

Entitlement

By

Etienne L. Fields

Being a young man in this state of Michigan has been very difficult at times. In large part, this is due to the stratification I have suffered under all my life. No matter how I see my self. No matter how good; moral; pious the people around me claim to be, there are always a large number of them who wish to oppress me. From trying to deride me for the way I talk to treating like a villain for demanding equal treatment in the work place.

There have been some persons in my life who have been healthy and supportive influences. These persons told me that I would love college –that once there, I would be free to develop my self and seek out what it is that I want to do with my life. But I haven’t been there yet. Even when at Lansing Community College, I was often restrained. However, I can see a significant difference between a community college student and a university student.

This difference that I speak of is not quantified in hard work. Nor can it be understood by averaging students’ grade point averages. The difference is the realization that a person not only has the right to expect the opportunity to self actualize one’s potential, but should demand it as well. Many people mistake this demand as a sense of privilege and self-entitlement that many Caucasians are said to possess. That Caucasians have an inherent sense of entitlement and should thus let it be expressed. This is a mistake. Just because I am not Caucasian doesn’t mean that I am not entitled to the same environment to develop who I am. Or what I want and how I intend to go about achieving my goals.

If I had my way, I would be at a university. I would be studying history, philosophy, religion and I would converse about these topics with others of like mind. I don’t mean those who simply hold similar opinions, but those who hold the same passions as I do. Outside of a University setting, people rarely discuss these topics in a healthy fashion. Rarely are they appreciative of a person who attempts to.

No matter who I am or where I live, I am entitled to the opportunity to self actualize. I am entitled to be inaccurate and then correct myself. I am so beautiful and I expect to be treated as such. I will not try to prove my self worth, nor gain the respect of others around me.

I am made up of so many wonderful characteristics. If people choose to only speak of my quote-un-quote negative characteristics and judge me upon those- all the while saying how different I am; how weird I am –that is up to them. I will not seek to prove to others about my own self which is self-evident.

If I choose to fly away, they will curse me and throw stones in attempts to sunder me. If I attempt to rationalize with them, they will laugh. Those who would wrench me apart for being better, do so because they choose to.

What is most saddening is that those who choose to attack me are the very reason I am better. They have lowered the bar. They have made themselves less. If I had things my way, I would not be alone in my flight. I would have somewhere to perch myself. If I had my way, I would not be alone in this. If I had my way, I would have the resources to go about this at a place designated for higher thought and significant action.

At a university, I would have my way.